The most beautiful things in the world are not seen nor touched. They are felt with the heart.-- Helen Keller



Welcome!

Welcome! to my little corner of Gods earth.

My intent is to share faith, food, family & friendship. I want to give you a little insight as to what goes on in our daily lives. The different 'seasons' in our farm life and with every change of season brings something new. Feel free to visit often!

Blessings to all,

Laura

Down on the Farm Tabs

Sunday, August 6, 2017

Addiction: A Game The Whole Family Plays Whether They Want To Or Not


As I sit here, by myself, in my mother's hospital room, I can't help but think back on my life....on her life. My mom is the most gentle, supportive person you will ever meet. I have been so blessed to have her as my mom. Hopefully this coming week will be better. Mom became ill on Tuesd ay, on Wednesday she was admitted to the hospital with a brain bleed. Some serious stuff, especially since we couldn't pin it down as to why it happened.
So much of this gracious woman's life she has been a doormat. Verbally abused by my father, then by her youngest son, my brother. Who also happens to be a drug addict and has been all of his adult life. He was out of prison long enough to father a child, who is simply a challenge. My mother tried to raise her grandson, then tried to 'help' raise him when he returned to his mother's care as a young child. It seems the people that treat her the worst are the very ones that need her the most. And here I am.....and where are they? Sitting in a hospital doesn't seem to fit into their party plans. My brother started to panic 5 days into my our mothers illness because he had lost immediate access to her. No one would tell him where she was. Out of common decency I passed along to him that she was recovering and needed peace and quiet. Addicts try everything under the sun to get what they want. They beg, they plead, they get angry, threaten, and they cry. After 30+ years of dealing with his addiction, I can't say I'm immune to it. I hate it when he attacks me, I hate it when he is hurting. I hate it when he embarrasses himself and the family. Living in a small town that happens quite frequently. We are in self-preservation mode now and have been for a while. He has been offered help. The family has begged him to get help, he's been in prison off and on for 17 years. While he is in prison, he runs, he exercise, he looks SO good, has big plans to stay clean, reconcile with his son, be a grandfather. Every time he gets out he makes immediate contact with his dealer, ex-inmates and declares that it is his time to have FUN!
I.AM.DONE. What I have learned throughout this terrible ordeal is that you have to set boundaries.
1) You can not save someone that doesn't want to be saved.
2) You have to involve the entire family, everyone has to be on the same page. Addicts will prey on the weakest link.
3) You are not a bank, and will not support their habit (whatever you give them will never be enough and trust me you can't afford it)
4) You can not be accessible to them all hours of the day and night.
5) You have to demand respect or the interaction is ended. Both in person or on the phone
6) You will not allow the destruction or theft of your property or you will press charges
7) and this is probably the hardest, no family gatherings while they are an addict. This is unacceptable behavior and you will not expose it to the children. Besides, what's the point? They are simply using that opportunity to 'case' their next victim.
8) Take care of yourself and your family (get away, no phones, no wifi)
9) Have a designated time that the addict is not allowed to be the topic of conversation. Trust me, you are THE LAST thing on their mind
10) WALK AWAY, it's hard, but after years and years of addiction, you have to. They may end up in a homeless shelter, under a bridge somewhere, prison or the morgue. But eventually you have to walk away.
If you are a parent of a minor child that is showing signed of addiction, I am begging you to get them help BEFORE they turn 18 and you have no control. DO NOT try to 'love them through it' DO NOT ignore it, sweep it under the rug, because after all, 'what will the neighbors think?' 'what will our friends and the church think'? Trust me they probably knew before you did, and they are already talking about it at the dinner table. If you truly love and want to save your child, Acknowledge it, get control of it, DO SOMETHING while you still can. Believe me, addicts can not fix themselves. Ignoring the problem will not make it go away, it only makes it harder to treat later if ever.
We are currently a family in crisis. We have been for so long I have no idea what it would be like to not have this as part of our every day life. But I do know that I would sure like to find out.
💔